I have to admit it. I have a little problem with status symbols. Well, with one in particular. Okay, I probably have more, but today I’m struggling with one.
We are in the process of selling our van. I love my van. It is a beautiful 15 passenger van. Sand Beige, not white, which was a big deal to me when we were on the market for our van. Running boards, DVD installed for those long trips. Nice. I love it. Did I say that? But let’s face it, it’s a 15 passenger van. Not exactly on the hot list of most stolen vehicles. Not on any cover of any magazine because of how sleek it is. It’s a utility vehicle, minus the “sport.” My dear husband, early in our marriage, was aghast at the idea of ever driving a minivan. What self-respecting fighter pilot drives one of those? Haha. I laugh now. Let’s just say that perspectives and priorities changed, praise be to God!
Well, my husband recently decided it was time to downsize. Our family is shrinking these days. It’s normally just me and maybe the three youngest tagging along. So, we had four of us in a vehicle that seats 15. A tad bit of an overkill. He’s right. All of my objections were met with the reality that I was grasping at straws.
He bought me a new (to us) Volvo SUV. It has things on it that I didn’t know cars had. It’s a nice ride. It’s fun to drive. AWD for the snow. Perfect.
But today, when I was out, I saw a happy family driving by in their large 15 passenger van. And I felt a pang. “Hey! I used to drive one of those!” My heart ached for all that it represented to me: a large, thriving family.
And I realized that I liked being recognized as a mother of many children. I LIKE that identity. It’s who I am. And I like that status. Now, that easily identifiable status symbol is gone. And I’m that mom with just a couple of kids. I never realized how much I liked being “in the club.” I would never have admitted it before. But, it’s slapping me in the face, and I can’t ignore it.
The thing is, my identity is in Christ! Not in how many of His children I get to cart around everyday in my big ol’ van. I’m shocked to learn this about myself. Truly, I am.
And I’m thankful to learn it. Or at least to have it right there staring at me with those beady eyes. I’m sure deep down I always knew it. So smug. Ugh. Don’t I know that *I* had very little to do with receiving the gift of my children? I know I know it. In my head. But my heart wants to pat myself on the back for such a wonderful accomplishment: I pushed 6 kids out all on my own. Right. That’s not that great of a feat. I mean, in the moment, it’s a pretty huge deal, but in the big picture, not so much. The bigger deal is that the Lord handcrafted each one in His image, and gifted them to our family for a season. And He made our hearts willing and able to do so. So why am I struggling now with the whole losing my identity thing?
I have heard that people start going through mid-life crises, wanting fast little sports cars, new wardrobes, and all those “young” things. I just want the same old stuff. My children all home, hoping for more to come. But, the reality is that they are growing up as I age. It’s what we have worked towards their whole lives. It’s good and right and normal. And a huge blessing. And yet, here I sit with my much smaller car waiting to drive me places, while I look longingly as the maxi-sized vans drive by with all their young children in tow, remembering that common phrase about the days being long and the years fleeting.
Perhaps it will be a reminder to me to embrace the gifts of today, not wishing them away in favor of some future dream. I hope so.
The other day, Faith came to me before bed. She asked me if, when she grows up and gets married, she could come over every Friday and help me clean my house. The vision! How precious. She is already making plans in her schedule to bless me and visit me. “Because you’ll be old then,” she tacked on before she danced out of the room. Um. She could have left that part out. But she’s right. That clock just keeps ticking away.